Driving Miss Crazy
by spacegypsy1
Summary: Daniel tries unsuccessfully to teach Vala to Drive. Everybody gets involved and Jack shows up in dress blues …what’s that all about? Romance, a touch of humor, a touch of angst. DV a little SJ.
1. Chapter 1 Her Baby

Driving Miss Crazy

spacegypsy1

**Warnings:** None – maybe unrecognizable references to Unending. Not Spoilers.

Daniel tries unsuccessfully to teach Vala to Drive. Everybody gets involved and Jack shows up in dress blues …what's that all about? Romance, humor, a touch of angst. D/V a little S/J.

**Chapter One: Her Baby**

When Vala walked into Daniel's office he looked up, "What are you eating?"

"Lunch."

"What is it?"

"A peanut butter and dill pickle sandwich."

He grimaced, hearing the crunch of dill pickle.

She stood over him, crunching and staring at his work.

"What do you want?" He raised his eyes, wary.

"You said you'd teach me to drive."

"I said when I have time."

"You do."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do, I just checked."

"Checked? Checked with whom?"

"General Landry. He said you were free for the next three days."

He stared off across the office. In his head he heard the steel prison bars clank shut. _How do I get out of this one? _"Look, Vala, I have work to do."

"No. I checked. Nothing on your schedule. No one's waiting for some alien translation, no foreign dignitaries to impress with all your languages. No macho man training. I'm sure. I checked. Really. You're free."

There was only one way to get rid of her, "Okay, fine. One hour. That's all I can spare."

"I'm sure that is all I'll need." She popped the last of her bizarre sandwich in her mouth and smiled while chewing.

He stood, and then suddenly he remembered and grinned with joy. "I can't," he said happily. "My car's in the shop."

She shrugged a shoulder, "that's okay, I have one."

"You have a car?"

"Yes, I bought one yesterday. The man delivered it this morning. It's in the parking lot." She dug the keys out of a pocket and tossed them to him.

Mouth open, Daniel did the slow motion blink. "How'd you buy a car?"

"I have money. I bought it off of e-bay."

"You bought a car off of e-bay! Vala, do you know anything about the car?"

"Silly, well of course I do. I checked all the references. And as it turns out, the car belonged to Captain Rowe, who worked a rotation right here at the SGC. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Yeah. Alright, let's go, you have fifty minutes left."

"That's not fair Daniel, the hour shouldn't start until we are in the car, you teaching, me learning."

"Fine," his hand at her back pushed her along. He wanted to get it over with.

Sam came out of the elevator.

"Sam you have to come see the adorable little car I bought and Daniel's going to teach me to drive." Vala scrunched her shoulders up in giddy happiness.

"You bought a car?' Sam looked from Vala to Daniel.

Daniel held the elevator door open. "She bought it off of e-bay." He rolled his eyes.

"I bought it from that nice Captain Rowe, you remember him?"

Sam stared aghast. "You bought Jim Rowe's sixty thousand dollar Porsche?"

Daniel let go of the door. Vala had her back to him; she bit her lip and tried to see him out of the corner of her eye.

"Well, I got a really good deal. I only paid fifty two for it."

"Fifty-two thousand dollars? For a car!?" Daniel was right beside her, looming large and menacing. "Sam, can you call this Captain Rowe guy, we need to straighten this out." Daniel pulled Vala towards Sam's lab.

"You can't!" Vala tugged herself free of his grip and slammed her hands on hips. "I paid him cash. He just got called overseas, left this morning, that's why I got it so cheap."

"Oh boy, I'll be in my lab if you need me." Sam scurried away as fast as she could.

"Vala, you don't have fifty-two thousand dollars!"

Again, she chewed her lip, "I've been saving?" There that should be plausible.

He moved his head forward, eyes squinted and silently threatened her.

Mitchell came around the corner and spotted Daniel, "Holy jumpin' Jesus! Jackson, you should see the beauty sittin' in the parking lot, a 1960 Porsche 356, Roadster! Whoa, is it a doozie. Red convertible. Fully restored, you just gotta see it." Mitchell was walking backwards, towards Sam's lab. "Man, the guard said some hot chick was sittin' in it this morning, damn, I need to get up close and personal with her." He disappeared into Sam's lab.

Wide toothy grin, eyes batting, Vala waited.

"Where'd you get the cash?" He took hold of her sleeve again and led her back towards his office.

Once in Daniel's office, she answered his question. "I cleaned out my bank account."

"You didn't have that much money in your bank account, I know, I have to help you do your bank statement every month."

Daniel was worried. He gently pressed her into his office chair. "Vala?"

She took a deep breath, "I sold something."

He perched on the edge of his desk. He knew. He knew the only item she had that she could sell for that kind of money. Something he thought she would never touch again, let alone, sell. "You sold your necklace. The Qetesh necklace."

"Yes," she was looking at her hands in her lap. "To that nice old museum man you introduced me to. You said he was trustworthy."

He lifted her chin. "Vala," his voice was soft and caring. "You said you never wanted to see it again. And if you did, it was money for your retirement. You had Landry lock it up."

She looked into his eyes. "I loved that little car, Daniel. I just HAD to have it. So I asked the general for the necklace and I took it, still wrapped in the silk, and I sold it. I never looked at it. Something good should come out of all that. Besides," she perked up a little bit, "I have a 401K now."

"You bought a fifty-two thousand dollar car?"

"Yes, Daniel, you said that. Now can we go and actually drive it?"

"Sure. Why not."

~*~*~*~*~*~

In his head, Daniel could hear Jack's voice, _"Sweet." _And the car was all of that and more. "Vala," he shook his head, "this is the nuttiest thing you have ever done. Number one, it's a manual shift. Number two, the insurance is going to be … way high. The maintenance will cost a fortune, and I can't even speculate on the gas mileage."

"But it's so, ME!"

"That it is." Daniel got into the passenger side. "Come on, get in. I can't believe you bought a fifty-two thousand dollar car."

She rolled her eyes and settled in the driver's seat. "Okay, what now?"

Daniel shuffled through the glove box, not the least bit surprised to find the original manual. People were fanatic about vintage cars. He handed the book to her. "Read this. Cover to cover." _I can't believe she bought a fifty-two thousand dollar car._

Vala opened the manual and started reading.

"Not now. But read it." He handed her the keys, "Okay, ready?"

"Yes!"

"Go ahead, put the key in the ignition."

She turned her head, looked at him oddly.

_Not good. _He reached over, pointing, "right there."

Vala fumbled with the keys. "Oh, I knew that, I'm just a bit nervous. Silly me."

Daniel reached across and separating the keys, held up the correct one.

"Which motor does it start?"

He turned his head, looked at her oddly, opening his mouth to speak, then closed it. He looked back longingly toward the entry into the mountain. Everyone knew, at least most everyone from earth knew, Porsche's motor was in the rear. "It only has one motor."

"No it doesn't."

"Yes, Vala, it only has one motor."

"Well, Mr. Know It ALL, there's an extra one in the trunk, I know because I was going to leave my bag in there and I looked." She jerked a thumb to the rear of the car.

If he didn't laugh he would cry. Obviously, Vala had never been introduced to the madcap world of rear end motors. He removed his glasses, rubbed his eyes. He took the keys from her. "Why don't you go look at the other one," he pointed to the front of the car, where the trunk was, handed her the keys, the correct one held between his fingers. "Use this."

Lips sealed and eyes squinted, head slightly turned, she watched him a moment, before getting out of the car and going to the front. "Is it because people steal them?"

Hands in the air, shaking his head in bafflement he asked, "steal what? Porsche's?"

"Motors."

"Motors?"

"Yes, they lock one up and keep an extra one?" She looked at him over the windshield as serious as Vala MalDoran could be serious.

"Did she just say what I think she did?" Mitchell appeared, standing next to the passenger door.

"Yep."

Mitchell shook his head to clear the Vala debris. He whistled, moved around the back of the car, inspecting every detail.

"You know, Mitchell, I can fix you up with the hot chick that owns this car." Daniel looked back at Mitchell, who continued his appraisal of the vehicle.

"Not for a mothership load full of them."

Vala was bending down trying to fit the key into the lock.

"Don't scratch it!" Mitchell surprised Vala and she dropped the keys. "Here, let me show you." He unlocked the boot and handed the keys back to her, indicating the hood in Vanna White fashion.

She looked up to Daniel who still sat in the car smirking idiotically at her. She found the latch and opened it. Surprise! Clean, empty, except for a bundle of non-descript plastic. Lowering the hood a bit, her eyes met his, hers thoroughly bewildered. She raised the hood again and looked inside, lowered it again and looked at Daniel.

Shutting the hood, all she said was, "Oh."

When Vala got in the driver's seat, Mitchell leaned on the door. "Hold on there, little missy, and let me move my truck." Before he walked away he gave Daniel an 'I'm feelin' your pain,' kind of look.

Rubbing her palms together a moment, Vala took a quick glance at Daniel, found the proper key and put it into the ignition. "There. I'd like to drive to the mall."

In the ten seconds before he responded he had the distinct feeling he was being pulled into the wormhole. "We're not going anywhere; you need to understand the pedals, learn their functions, and practice a while."

Her sigh was long and discouraged. "This could take forever."

"Yes. Left foot on the clutch, right on the brake, press the clutch all way down, while moving the right foot to the gas pedal." He was watching her feet.

When nothing happened he looked up. Shoulders straight ahead, chin down, head slightly skewed sideways, Vala's eyes stared blankly in his direction.

Daniel leaned over, removed the key, grabbed the manual and got out of the car. "Come on." He started back towards the base.

"Daniel, it hasn't been anywhere near an hour! I wanted to learn today. Daniel? Daniel! I need to drive to the mall, today, there's a really big sale. I have cash left over from the necklace; I need to spend it! Daniel?"

When she finally caught up with him, he was waiting for her at the elevator. Handing over the manual he told her, "Read it. Look at the diagrams, get in the car, match them up, learn their functions. You are a smart woman Vala, but this is all new to you. You flew the Prometheus, figured it out and hauled me clear across the galaxy. You can do this. When you're familiar with everything, come back and we'll try again. When I have time."

Disappointed, she knew he was right. If her cute little car required Naquadah, she'd already be flying to the moon.

"And you need to put the top up and lock it." The elevator arrived; he stepped in, "now."

The door slid shut between them and Daniel smiled, shaking his head.

Vala opened the manual while returning to the car. She located the 'lock the doors section', read it, and moved on to 'putting the top up', and read that until she reached the car. She smiled lovingly at her little red convertible, performed the top up function without a hitch, and without having to reread a thing. She rolled up the windows and locked the doors, careful not to scratch the paint. Walking away, she remembered something she'd seen in the 'trunk' and returned. Carefully opening it up, she retrieved the car cover, secured it over her baby and entered the mountain.

**STOP! WARNING - DRIVING MISS CRAZY - S P O I L E R S BELOW!!!**

**Next on Driving Miss Crazy- Chapter Two**: **Maybe One Day** -Lesson One, and I'm not talking about driving. Powershifting and grinding gears. Daniel drives the car. Daniel drives Vala crazy. Daniel makes a promise.


	2. Chapter 2 Maybe One Day

**Chapter Two: Maybe One Day**

Mitchell dropped exhausted into the chair beside Jackson's desk. "I'm slam 'wore' out," he laughed.

"It's been a rough three weeks, two harrowing missions, and little to show for it." Daniel looked at the large bruise on his hand, felt the knot on his head and glanced at Mitchell's stitches above his right eye. "And shouldn't that be worn out?"

Again, Mitchell laughed. "My uncle Merle used to say that all the time. He was a cotton farmer in Mississippi who dropped dead in the middle of his field at ninety-eight." He paused, sat up and leaned across the desk. "Well, you did get that." He pointed to a hunk of stone with some form of ancient writing on it.

"Yeah, there's that. Whatever 'That' is." Daniel picked it up and studied the chiseled symbols.

"Haven't figured it out yet?"

"Nope. I'll let it sit awhile, it'll come to me."

Mitchell stood, "guess I'll check on Sam. Hey, Vala," he said passing her in Daniel's doorway.

"Cameron." She said, never taking her gaze from Daniel.

Daniel watched Vala warily. The car manual she'd toted around for the last three weeks was suspiciously absent.

"I'm ready."

He frowned, took off his glasses and sat back in his chair. She had little to do, now that they were back, having already translated everything in Goa'uld on Earth. She was smart, too smart sometimes.

Knowing full well where this conversation was going, he asked anyway. "Ready for what?"

"My driving lesson."

"You know I have a lot to do."

"One hour, Daniel, please. Besides, you just told Cameron you were going to take a break?"

"No. I just told him I was going to move along to something else for a while."

She rested her hip against his chair. "Daniel, you're my best friend. You promised. You have an obligation. You need a break anyway."

Putting his glasses back on, Daniel relented, no use in trying to put her off. Why bother? He could save an incalculable amount of time not arguing and being pestered to death, if he'd just give her an hour.

"Alright," he stood, motioned to the door, waiting.

"Alright!" Vala took hold of his wrist and pulled him along.

He allowed himself to be pulled through the halls of SGC. And the sad thing, no one looked at them as if anything seemed the least bit peculiar. Vala Mal Doran dragging Dr. Jackson through the hall. Daniel Jackson dragging Vala Mal Doran through the hall. As normal around here as little grey aliens popping in for a visit.

When they passed Sam in the corridor, she smiled, "Good morning."

Even she didn't give him any kind of commiseration look; like blowing up a sun, just another non-wacky day at SGC.

Outside, Daniel helped Vala remove the cover and fold it.

Vala took the driver's seat, ready to get started. Daniel settled into the passenger seat, he wasn't ready for this, his mind lingered back in his office on the stone.

Vala clapped her hands together, then pointing, she rattled off, "Ignition, steering wheel, hand break, radio, brake, clutch, gas pedal, stick shift. Oh, and seat belts Captain Rowe had installed." She clicked hers in place and waited for Daniel. "Daniel, seat belt please."

"We're not going anywhere. You need to understand…."

With a little scowl, Vala pulled up the hand brake and continued. "Brake-stomp, clutch- release, gas-smash. Reverse-push/pull/heave. First gear-yank/ram. Second gear -slap/slam. Third gear shove. Now can I drive?"

"No." he said it without rancor. "Driving is more dangerous than flying an AlKesh. Thousands of people are killed every year, lives destroyed by small, simple mistakes. We're going to sit right here and go through this."

She wasn't happy with his mood today, all somber and serious. "Fine." She got out of the car and came around to open his door. "You drive. I'll watch. I want to feel the car move."

His preoccupation kept him from replying. Daniel looked at his watch. In the driver's seat, he started the car with an irritated sigh.

Vala squealed, rummaged through the glove box and pulled out the largest sunglasses Daniel had ever seen. Then she removed a flowing red scarf - remarkably color coordinated with the paint job- wrapped it around her head, tossing the tails across her shoulders, placed the sunglasses on her face and beamed at him.

She looked like a sixties' movie starlet. Or Jackie Kennedy Onassis.

With a slight grin Daniel pulled off. "I have so much to do. I shouldn't be taking off, driving."

"Oh, please Daniel, just down the street, around the block as they say. Please."

With squealing tires he fishtailed out of the parking lot and headed up the mountain.

He turned the radio on. She turned it off, "Daniel," she yelled against the wind, "You're powershifting!"

"What!?"

He slammed the car back down into second, resulting in literally jerking her back against the seat, and sped up the mountain.

When he looked at her, he hadn't expected to find her grinning foolishly, arms above her head, against the wind, scarf flowing dramatically behind her.

Daniel pulled the car off at the first overlook, pulled the hand brake and turned the car off.

"That was incredible," Vala said at the same time as Daniel's, "Powershifting!?"

"Powershifting, I read about it on Wiki, you're pushing the gas and only using about half the clutch to shift, it's very hard on the transmission. Besides, it makes an awful grinding noise, which by the way I heard."

"I was not 'powershifting' I was getting a feel for the car." Daniel's hands were still on the steering wheel.

"Whatever you say. But I know what I heard." Vala smirked.

"You think you can do better?"

"I don't think I will every find out, will I? Seeing as you won't teach me to drive."

"Saturday. We'll find a big empty parking lot and you can practice."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"Good. You better, or the next time I'm on your six, be prepared."

"Dooonnn't threaten me." His blue eyes were glaring.

"You're so boring, Daniel." She crossed her arms in agitation and turned away from him.

They sat a moment staring at the panorama of mountains and the river below.

"I said I'd teach you Saturday."

"All day?"

"I have work to do."

Arms opened wide, Vala challenged. "Is there any point in time you plan on studying the concept of friendship?"

"Is there any point in time you'll understand the concept of being responsible."

"Ah! Never mind. Cameron has offered to teach me to drive."

"Fine!" He barked out in exasperation.

Neither spoke, both fuming.

Eventually, Daniel closed his eyes and murmured softly. "How about half a day?"

"That would be lovely, Daniel. Can we do lunch at the little outdoor café again?" She turned and smiled.

"Sure." He gave in gracefully and smiled back.

"We should take a driving tour, once I learn to drive. Just the two of us. We'll go somewhere. Alaska or the Florida Keys. We could drive and drive and drive. It would be such an adventure. We can have a real vacation, one day. Maybe. Can't we?"

Daniel laid his head back, closed his eyes again. The picture she painted was bouncing around in his head in a pleasant way. He wished his life would slow down, that all the problems out there in the universe would slow down and he could do something like that. Something normal. Surprisingly, he realized he could do that with Vala.

"Maybe," he said, "Maybe one day."

A mini van pulled into the overlook, and Vala and Daniel both watched as the family got out and walked to the rail. The husband held his pregnant wife's hand; the boy stopped to dig in the dirt, as the little dark haired girl clung to her father's pants, yanking and calling, "Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?"

Vala and Daniel both rolled their heads against the car seat and smiled at each other. Individually, they both thought how so bizarrely different their lives were from the every day person. The normal person.

When the Porsche pulled out of the overlook, the parents turned to watch the magical couple in the sporty red car, living the life of ease and luxury. All the things they had missed.

"Wow, she was a knock out." The man said.

With a deep dreamy sigh the women said, "He was a hottie," smiling apologetically at her husband, she continued. "Wouldn't that be nice dear, driving a really fun car, no worries, probably going to some beautiful home up in the mountains, safe and secure? Not a care in the world."

---

When Sam saw Daniel coming down the corridor, head down reading the open book in his hands, she frowned.

"Daniel?"

"Yes?" He looked up slowly.

"Aren't you supposed to be somewhere?"

"Hmmm? Where?"

"Driving?"

"Oh hell, I forgot! It's Saturday! I'm dead meat!" He shoved the book into Sam's hands and ran off.

He stood, mouth open, astounded, in the parking lot. He ran to the guard house. "Where's the Porsche?"

"Sir?" The confused guard asked.

"Vala Mal Doran, the red Porsche?"

"Oh, she left a couple of hours ago with Colonel Mitchell, sir."

Eyebrows shot up. Mouth dropped open, closed. Hands went to pockets. Head dropped.

**STOP! WARNING - DRIVING MISS CRAZY - S P O I L E R S BELOW!!!**

**Next on Driving Miss Crazy- Chapter Three: Grease Monkey** Broken promise, oil change, innuendo-poor Mitchell, your basic D/V irrational bickering.


	3. Chapter 3 Grease Monkey

**Chapter Three: Grease Monkey**

When Daniel pulled up at Mitchell's, the Porsche' was up on ramps and two sets of legs where sticking out into the driveway.

"Vala?" Daniel said, approaching the legs.

"Go away, I'm changing my oil." Vala's sharp tongue had him reeling back. Yep, she was pissed.

"Vala, I'm sorry, I got caught up in something."

"Cameron, did you hear that? I heard a buzzing kind of thing, like a pesky little bee."

"Hey, Jackson," Mitchell's voice was muffled under the car. "this little baby sure can perform."

"Why thank you, Cameron."

"Aw, jez. I was talkin' about the car." Mitchell had not heard one innuendo since they'd left the base. He grinned, though, these two had it bad, and he wondered if they even had a clue. "We'll be through in about ten minutes, and she's all yours." And he wasn't talking about the car.

Daniel looked down at the two sets of legs sticking out from under the Porsche. One wore coveralls and combat boots; the other jeans and sneakers. He grabbed the combat boots and pulled.

She rolled out on the wheeled mechanic's floor creeper, wrench in hand, grease covered. When she sat up, she didn't even look at him. Didn't yell, didn't name call.

He'd hurt her feelings again. Broke the promise. He was just plain useless when it came to women and promises.

"Your hopeless, Daniel. You can't even keep a promise. What kind of friend are you?" She finally looked up at him, all greasy faced and wild haired.

"A sorry one. We still have plenty of time. Why didn't you call me?"

Mitchell rolled out from under the car. "There, all done. And, man did it need an oil change. I checked the transmission," he wiped at the grease on his hands with a shop towel. "Except for the oil, she appears to be in great shape. The car that is." Mitchell slapped Jackson on the back, walking away.

Personally, he didn't have to deal with the fiasco that was Daniel Jackson and Vala Mal Doran in relationship; on the team he wouldn't trade them for the keys to the Ori Kingdom. Mitchell had the best team in the SGC. In the universe as far as he was concerned. And whatever may or may not be going on between them, it didn't affect their teamwork. It just made him crazy when there was enough down time for them to get revved up. He watched them a moment more, then told them, "slip 'er into neutral and roll 'er down. I got work to do." He disappeared into the house.

Daniel took the rag from Vala's back pocket and wiped at the grease on her face. Eyes, closed, mouth tight, she turned her face up to him. "Why don't you roll it down? Put it in neutral, put your foot on the brake and ease it off. Okay?"

The tightness of her mouth relaxed a little, her eyes opened to his. "Yes, then you can drive me to one of those wonderful bookstores at the mall and I will purchase one of those books, 'Friendships for Dummies' for you."

Feeling the sting from her last remark, Daniel opened the car door, helped her up into it and stood back. "Be careful. Go slow. Just ease it off, S l o w l y."

She shot him a patronizing smile and shut the door. Foot on brake, she eased it into neutral as a shot of adrenaline joy cursed through her. Hands death griping the steering wheel, she easily, slowly, let her foot off the brake pedal. The car moved slightly, then nothing happened. She turned and looked at Daniel, who gestured; his fist closed moving up and down. Ah, the hand brake. She was definitely improving in the human hand signal department. Clutch in, other foot flat on the floor, Vala released the hand brake, and the car shot backwards, clear across the street, and landed with both back tires up on the opposite curve.

Eyes round and bewildered she saw Daniel standing in the yard, hands deep in his pockets, head shaking back and forth, and laughter in his eyes.

She got out of the car yelling, "I could have been killed and all you can do is laugh?"

He forced his face to seriousness, and abstained from reiterating the dangers of car driving.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Daniel chose the largest church parking lot in a fifty mile radius of Cheyenne Mountain. Two reasons. No one was around and he wanted to be as close to God as possible.

"Okay, go through the gears again." Daniel was the picture of patience.

She performed nicely, ruffled up like a proud peacock and waited for the accolades.

"Good."

Well, that would have to do for now. Vala started the motor. Foot pressed against the brake as if she stood on the neck of some Goa'uld. Relaxing her forceful grip on the steering wheel, Vala slowly took her foot from the brake, moved the foot to the gas and got completely confused.

Daniel didn't even look up. He was intently studying the copies of the stone he had brought with him.

She set her foot back on the brake. Her glare should have set those papers on fire, and when they didn't she turned back to her driving with renewed vigor. Ha! She'd show him. She could do this. She popped the clutch, hit the gas, banged her knee into the steering column and cried out in pain as the car lurched, bucked and died.

He was openmouthed and his eyes held a strange fear.

Vala clamped her mouth shut, rubbed her injured knee and stared at him with as close to Goa'uld eyes as she could get.

He got the message. Daniel put the papers on the floorboard and raised his hands in cowboy surrender. "Okay, sorry. Just try it again."

She experienced the same results the next four tries.

Exasperated, Daniel complained, "You need to calm down! This isn't astrophysics."

"Damn it Daniel, I'm trying, I can't …it's… it's.. ugh! I'm trying. It's hard."

"Vala, it's not. You have to … to… oh!" He had no idea how to get through to her.

"I'm not going to get it overnight! I have to practice. Stop groaning and moaning." Vala slapped the steering wheel with the heels of her hands.

"You figured out the Prometheus in ten minutes. TEN MINUTES!"

"Stop yelling. This is different. There's a big difference. This is much more difficult."

"What! More difficult than commandeering an alien spacecraft - the size of a few football fields at least – alone. One that you had never, ever seen? As in anything remotely similar?" He was livid. She could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.

"The Prometheus was easy. This is like manual labor. What idiot designed this? Really. It could be so much simpler. A button here, a button there. Flip this, turn that. You know, real technology, this…this is antiquated. This is crazy." She slapped the steering wheel in punishment for its stupidity.

"You're crazy."

"I am not crazy."

"Okay, if it's too difficult why don't you sell the car?" He was glaring.

Wha… what?" She was glaring back.

"Sell it. You're never going to be able to drive it anyway." He snatched the papers from the floorboard.

"Ah, uh. What do you mean I will never be able to drive it?"

"You just said it was too hard." He started staring at the pictures on the paper in his hand. Not seeing, blinded by frustrated

"I never said it was too hard."

Without looking up he snapped, "yes you did."

"I certainly did not!"

The stack of papers was thrown back to the floor of the car. "You said and I quote, 'This is too hard,'"

"You lying son of a bitch."

"Ohhh, and aren't we getting all earthy in our language." He waggled his head around in Valley Girl fashion.

"Never mind. You are so.. so, oh, I …"

His arm came forward with a jolt and he pointed a finger inches from her face, "Don't! Don't say you hate me." He gritted his teeth, shook his finger. "Don't you dare, it's a lie and you know it!"

"A lie? Is it, really?"

"You don't hate me. I don't hate you. We're friends. And god help me, we will probably be stuck being friends for the rest of our lives. So don't say you hate me."

"Hmmm. You're right. And I will be stuck being friends with you the rest of my life. How charming. Well, at least we will have each other. Let's go eat. I'm starving."

"Let's try one more time." He took a deep calming breath.

She managed to get past first gear and actually advance a few yards, before her feet got tangled up again and the car died.

"Lunch time." Daniel got out, Vala got out, they exchanged places.

He pulled out of the parking lot, "The outdoor café, right?"

**STOP! WARNING - DRIVING MISS CRAZY - S P O I L E R S BELOW!!!**

**Next on Driving Miss Crazy: Chapter Four: Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder – **A little angst, a little screaming, a little real driving-just a little,


	4. Ch 4 Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder

**Chapter Four: Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder**

Teal'c looked from ColonelMitchell to DanielJackson.

Mitchell sat across the table from Daniel. "Don't worry Jackson," he said around the mouthful of food, "We've got a mission tomorrow. You'll be safe for a few days. It's an Ori controlled planet, lots of soldiers, maybe a prior or two. A day in the park after your last week. Ouch! She actually nipped you with the car?"

"Yep."

"DanielJackson, have you thought about transporting the car to an uninhabited planet?" Teal'c suggested without a hint of humor.

"Nope. But that's not a bad idea. Could you drive a car through the gate?"

Teal'c raised a brow in thought.

"That's a question best answered by Carter. Although, if you can fly a ship through it, I don't see why not" Mitchell grinned. "I can't understand why Vala can't drive a manual shift. I've seen her fly just about everything there is to fly … at least as far as everything that does fly, that I'm aware of."

"I concur." Teal'c bowed his head.

Daniel frowned at the other two. "I think she's stuck in some kind of linear thinking pattern. Everything goes only in one direction.

"Are you kiddin' me!? She's the most scattered thinker I know. She can do twenty things at once, unfortunately only a few of them every get finished!"

They both started laughing and stopped suddenly when they noticed Teal'c's expression. Both getting that creepy feeling she was standing right there. Yep. There she was. Hands on hips, grinning sadistically.

Mitchell lifted his eyes to Daniel. "Well, gotta go buddy, see ya." He stood and looked at Teal'c. "Teal'c come on we have stuff to do."

"What – stuff?"

"Stuff, you know, work stuff." Teal'c eyed Mitchell a moment before getting up to follow.

"Daniel." The voice of Sokar, the Wizard of Oz, and Jack O'Neill all rolled into one, came out of Vala.

She'd heard his every word. A chill went up his spine, but he managed to turn with a friendly grin. "Yes?"

"We have a few hours for a lesson. If you'd care to join me."

He had no choice. Not with Vala the Queen of Manipulation Mal Doran.

"Yeah, that sounds great."

~*~*~*~*~

Unfortunately for Daniel, she had mastered gear shifting and parking. It was time to hit the road. He drove her out to a small, less settled area and let her take the wheel. He wished he'd thought to bring a helmet and fire retardant suit.

She took off slowly and he relaxed a bit. For the most part, the road was fairly straight. Once she got into second he had to coax her to up the sped, just a bit, to get into third gear. Grinding gears had them both wincing. She backed down the sped and finally managed to stop.

"Good. Try it again."

She pushed the speed up to about twenty five and did quite well until a horseshoe curve. She missed the brake and hit the gas. He grabbed the dashboard. She let off the gas, stomped the brake. The car jerked to a stop a millimeter from a small tree.

"Oops!" She said.

"Oops!? What the hell were you doing?" No one needed to go on missions with him after this. He could face the Ori army alone. Nothing to it.

"Daniel, please don't yell."

"It's a machine. And as dangerous, as you can see, as any staff weapon, hand device or mothership for that matter."

She opened the door got out and started walking back down the road. With a disgusted sigh he took out after her.

Arms swinging and hips swaying she marched. He was practically running to catch up with her.

"Vala? Stop!"

"Drive the car back Daniel, it's safer for me to walk." She was huffing with exertion, tinged with self anger, up the incline.

"Stop, wait up a minute."

Stopping, she fought for breath to keep stupid tears at bay. She refused to cry in front of him over a silly machine made for their cave men! "Just get the car."

"Stop over reacting!"

"Go to hell."

"You're like hot and cold water."

"And you are so even keeled!"

"It's not the end of the world."

"Ha! Wait until tomorrow to be sure of that!"

"Well, that's a pleasant thought. Can't wait to share the mission with you!"

"I'll ask Mitchell if I can be on your six. That should keep you on your toes."

When he reached her, he stood behind her rubbing his face, trying to calm down. "We'll practice more." Placing his hands on her shoulders he told her, "It's just going to take longer than you thought."

"Oh, please, don't patronize me!" She jerked her shoulders free. "Just go away, take the stupid car and sell it. I don't even like it anymore."

"You're not serious." The pity in his voice infuriated her.

"Let's face it. I'm better equipped for 'linear thinking', flying spacecraft, stealing, oh, and translating Goa'uld."

"Don't say that."

"What? The thinking, the flying, the stealing, or the translating?"

He turned her to face him. He had that look, the one that said she was being childish. She wanted to kick him. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to cry and scream at him. She wanted to tell him how much she cared for him. How very much she hated him. How hard it would be if she ever lost him.

She closed her eyes instead and leaned her forehead against him. "I'm just disappointed in myself. I've never had this much trouble learning anything. That's new to me. I'm getting soft, not having to survive out there alone."

"No you're not." He rubbed a thumb across her soft neckline. He laughed.

She smiled. "I'm looking up friendship on line, I'm sure this is not how it's supposed to be."

"It's exactly the way it's supposed to be."

"Did you learn to drive with a stick shift?" Feeling a little foolish, she looked up, an apologetic smile on her lips.

"Sort of."

"And you did it really well, didn't you? I mean within a reasonable amount of time."

He grinned. "I was living in a foster home. Me and one of the older boys snuck out, took the family car. He got so drunk I had to drive home. I was eleven. Or twelve, I don't remember. It was like a rodeo all the way home. The car bucked and jumped and jerked. It took hours, and we weren't thirty minutes from the home. I didn't drive again for many, many years, and I learned on an automatic transmission. You're doing fine. Let's try again."

"Not today, I'd like to wait until we get back."

Hand in hand they walked back to the car.

"I love my little car Daniel. I know you think it's idiotic, but I really do."

"I think it's cute. The car and loving it. It's Vala Ma Doran on wheels."

It was dark when they returned. Daniel parked the Porsche away from the other cars, leaned back and looked at the stars. "Well, we'll be out there somewhere tomorrow."

"Thank you, Daniel." Vala leaned and kissed him right on the mouth and got out of the car.

"Ah, you're welcome." He watched her enter the mountain, then locked the car up, covered it, and headed for his office.

**STOP! WARNING - DRIVING MISS CRAZY - S P O I L E R S BELOW!!!**

**Next on Driving Miss Crazy: Chapter Five: All's Fair In Love and War**

Some spaceship thievery. A space fight. Teal'c and Daniel get hurt. Sam offers to teach Vala to drive while Daniel's laid up.


	5. Ch5 All's Fair in Love and War

**Chapter Five: All's Fair In Love and War**

"Hot Damn!" Mitchell yelled, followed by a piercing whistle.

The ship dodged blasts and ducked around debris. "There ya go, Princess Leia!" Mitchell was firing weapons, keeping an eye out on the control boards. "Next time you get into that zippy red car of yours, just think of this and you'll do just fine. That's your problem. You're looking at it all wrong."

Using the gate address and the other intel found on the tablet Daniel had finally translated, Sam had managed to blow up a particularly important piece of Ori technology on the planet. Following that, they'd been cut off from the Stargate, but Vala managed to steal a ship and fly them out of there. Both Daniel and Teal'c had suffered semi-serious injury and Sam was busy tending to their wounds and wounded pride.

A blast hit them and the ship sparked, spit fire, and rocked a minute before Vala regained control.

"Whoa! That was close." Mitchell retook his seat and checked the boards.

"I know it has cloaking capabilities, but I can't find them. Oh, well, there's the hyperdrive." Vala engaged the hyperdrive and the ship disappeared right before their pursuer's eyes. Assuming they had eyes.

Teal'c sat up. "I must help."

Sam gently pressed him back to the bench. "Lay back, they're doing fine. I think you hate missing the fun."

Teal'c stared somberly at the ceiling.

"How you doing, Daniel?" Sam checked his bandage. It still seeped blood.

"Oh, ducky, Sam, ya know, a little dizzy. Just another big hole in the body, Jack's nail in my head, that sort of thing."

"Good. Lay still, I'll be right back." Sam patted his injured shoulder and left him.

_Is it just me or is everybody going crazy? _Daniel thought, at Sam's apparent disregard for his near death experience. Were they getting a little too casual about him dying? As if he could die and come back at a whim, like some cat? The thought depressed him.

Sam stood a moment watching the two at the controls. Even though she missed Jack, she loved these two and the dynamic they brought to the team. "How's it going, guys?"

Mitchell turned. "We've lost them. Be home safe and sound in no time. A new ship to add to the fleet, a…" He looked at Vala, "What is it?"

"Not sure." She shrugged, "I think it's a Claocian fighter. The Lucian Alliance was known to have some, but I never really saw one before."

Mitchell moved from his seat. "Want to sit a while, Sam?"

"Sure. Check on my patients, will ya?"

"Vala?" Sam watched her manipulate the controls.

"Hmmm?"

"Daniel's going to be laid up a little while. Why don't you let me teach you to drive?"

"Would you?" She took a quick glance toward the back.

"He'll be fine. Don't worry. I'd love to help you learn to drive. And Cam's right. If you can do what you just did, that Porsche should be a cinch."

~*~*~*~*~*~

"This has been different." Vala looked over at Sam.

"How so?"

"No bickering. No judgment. Just driving and practicing. It's been wonderful."

"I don't understand sometimes how you two end up at each others throats."

"For starters, I can't stop myself from antagonizing him." Vala shifted into third gear without a grind, "and he can't stop himself from responding. " Vala turned the volume up on the radio. Both hands back on the steering wheel she took the curve, easily, and smiled proudly at Sam.

"He's going home today, for a few days of rest and recuperation. Why don't you offer to drive him?" Sam tuned the volume down on the radio as they approached the guard house.

Vala slowed, shifted into second and down to first, coasting to a stop. "Think he will accept?" She handed her ID to the waiting guard, who saluted and waved her through. Vala sent him a flirty smile.

"You won't know until you ask."

Vala pulled into her personal parking space.

"You're ready for a real license. No more learners' permit. Go for it!" Sam smiled and hopped out. "I have a ton of work, see you later. And good luck."

"With the license or Daniel?"

"Both."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Yes, she was conniving and manipulative. But this was important. She'd sent Mitchell off to the auto parts store clear across town for some obscure part, playing on his gentlemanly ways. She'd gotten Teal'c and Siler tickets to a boxing match. One that started in less than an hour.

Walking down the hall toward the infirmary, she twirled a piece of loose curly hair, grinning happily. "Hello, Daniel," she greeted him with a pleasant non-threatening smile. She'd chosen well, tight black sweater, new low rider jeans, high heels. He did a double take look when she walked in.

"I thought I'd offer you a ride home."

He put on his shirt, and appeared to be having trouble buttoning it with his still sore shoulder. She came up and moved his hands aside. "Here. Let me."

She buttoned it and stood back; biting the inside of her mouth to keep from commenting on his bare chest.

"Mitchell's driving me."

"Oh, well he's had to leave, something unexpected came up."

"That's okay, Teal'c can drive me."

"He's off on some adventure with Siler."

"I can't drive, Vala, I'm not up to it."

"Well, I can. I have my permit now and Sam has been teaching me for the past three weeks, while you've been laid up here. I'm doing quite well. Really. You're not afraid of me driving are you?

He glanced at the floor, then back up to her. "Learners' permit?" He sounded disappointed.

Head tilted to one side she smiled. "Yes, Sam can vouch for me. She's quite busy in her lab. But we can stop by if you want to question her on my skills."

"No. I believe you. I'm ready to get home."

Carolyn Lam came up to the bed. "You're still a tad weak; I'd feel a lot better if you'd take a wheel chair. It's a long way up the mountain."

He stood, swayed a little then nodded to the good doctor. "Sure."

When he was settled in the car, Vala fastened his seat belt, got in and fastened hers. "You'll have to guide me, I don't remember how to get there."

He pointed off in the direction of the highway, "take a right out of the lot."

"Would you prefer the top up?" She asked.

"No, it's a nice day." And he pointed again. He was tired, aching and ready to get home.

After the first few minutes he closed his eyes, relaxed. She had mastered the car. Like everything she did. He was an idiot for treating her the way he had. Everyday, she showed up at some point in the infirmary. Brought him silly gifts, books from his office, candy. The things that friends did for one another.

"Daniel?"

"Hmmm?"

"Did you say right at the big intersection?"

"Left." He didn't open his eyes. He didn't want to see Vala driving, confident. Beautiful. He was depressed. It had to be the drugs getting out of his system. Every day he waited anxiously for her visit and felt a little sad when she left. It had to be the drugs.

Once on the highway, Vala up the sped to hover just over the limit, took the next turn from memory and smiled happily. The radio played, Credence Clear Water Revival's 'Have You Ever Seen the Rain.' He opened his eyes and looked at her, hair tossing in the wind, grinning happily, driving her much loved car. They both laughed thinking of Mitchell in the SUV coming back from camping.

"I think this must be 'our' song," Daniel said, laughing again.

Heart soaring Vala sped along. Recognizing his house, she pulled into the driveway. "Home, safe and sound."

"You did good. Thanks."

She got out came around and opened the door for him, lightly held his arm to the door, unlocked it for him with his key, helped him inside. "Bedroom?" She asked. The word seemed to zing around in her head.

"No, I think I'll sit up a while. Thanks. You don't have to stay."

"I'll just get you settled and be on my way. PJ's?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Food? Remote?"

"Vala?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For acting like an ass. You know, while trying to teach you to drive."

She ran a hand down his cheek in gratitude.

"Have you thought anymore about what I said?" He adjusted his shirt where it rubbed against the wound.

"Which time?"

"Yesterday, about Davis."

"Oh that again." Vala had purposely ignored his suggestion that she hook up with Major Davis. "Please Daniel, I'm not interested. Please quit playing Dumbo."

"Cupid."

"Yes, well, whoever."

"Vala?"

"Yes."

"I.. I'm taking one of the nurses out. Captain Reese. In a week or so."

"How nice for you. Just be sure it doesn't affect our friendship. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time. Now here's your soup. I'm going. I'll stop by tomorrow to check on you."

"You don't have to."

"That's what friends are for. I read it on the internet." She kissed his mouth, a soft brush, a whisper of wet red lips. "Bye."

Heart and head in turmoil, Vala drove back to Cheyenne Mountain contemplating Daniel dating someone other than her.

**STOP! WARNING - DRIVING MISS CRAZY - S P O I L E R S BELOW!!!**

**Next on Driving Miss Crazy: Chapter Six: Dating Dr. Jackson**. Vala enlists help in her scheme. And it's Sam to the rescue. Teal'c goes stealth. Vala finds the perfect dress. And the perfect man.


	6. 6 Dating Dr Jackson

**Chapter Six: Dating Dr. Jackson.**

The buzz was all over the SGC. Daniel was going on a date. The petite, well endowed Nurse, Captain Sally Ann Reese. Sissy for short. Isn't that just too cute?

Speeding up the mountain, scarf snapping in the wind, tears streaming down her cheeks, Vala turned up the volume. Jennifer Hudson was belting out 'I'm telling you I'm not going' from the Dreamgirls Soundtrack Teal'c had given her. "You got that right, sister!"

Well, two can play at this game. And she wasn't about to involve poor Davis. No, she had a much bigger target in mind. Someone more capable of digging a deeper barb into Daniel. Someone with the strength of purpose to knock him right off of that human iconic high horse.

~*~*~*~*~

Teal'c entered Sam's lab, stood quietly for a while, staring off across the room, deep in thought. Sam knew he would speak when he was ready.

"For many years I have worked amongst the Tau'ri, my friends. I now call Earth my home, live amongst its people. I have seen many wonderful and strange things." Teal'c looked at Sam who sat intrigued. "ColonelCarter, I am at a loss to understand this latest development."

She shoved the keyboard back and rested her arms, folded on the desk top. "It's not something any of us can understand. I may understand it slightly more than you do; however, I'm still confused."

Only the gleam in his eye changed, "ColonelCarter, I suspect that you are no more confused than your accomplice. I have a feeling of distinction that you are both in fact willing participants in this endeavored."

"A distinct feeling." She corrected him.

"As I said." He waited for her admission.

"I might have had a small part in convincing …"

"O'Neill?"

"Yes."

"Why do you not let the situation take a natural course to its inevitable conclusion?"

She pondered that a moment. "I tried."

"And?" He raised a brow.

Sam sat up, looking guilty, "I'm worried that Daniel will never get to an inevitable conclusion. I couldn't help myself. Vala was so convincing in her plan. It's human weakness; interfering in loved ones lives."

"And you as well as O'Neill feel that DanielJackson needed assistance in coming to an inevitable conclusion?"

"I do. I know we have no right to interfere, and that we could not only mess up their relationship, but ours with Daniel. I don't know why I did it; I just have a gut feeling. And General O'Neill has a gift for screwing with Daniel's life. It was an easy decision for him."

"And Colonel Mitchell, what part does he play?"

"The head in the sand part."

Teal'c nodded in understanding. Silent again, he looked away to smile. This was not his doing, this inevitable conclusion. Finally he turned to Sam. "How may I be of assistance?"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Jack was in seventh heaven, speeding much to fast along the winding roads, toward Colorado Springs. "Have any idea where they're going?" He was the proverbial kid in a candy store. He'd actually taken a day of vacation in order to be once again, happily, messing with Daniel's life. Vala looked miserable beside him. "Aw, come on, buck up, this is gonna be fun. You're gonna have the time of your life, and I'm gonna teach you every trick I know. We'll have him cryin' in his soup in no time. Man do I love this car. You did good. Always pay yourself first!"

She forced a wane smile.

He slowed the car, pulled off to the side and looked at her. "Okay, I'm gonna let you in on something. It'll be public knowledge in a day or two anyway. But you can't tell anybody I told you, deal?"

She nodded.

"Captain Reese asked for a transfer to Atlantis months ago. She got the word days before this supposed date was even a fleeting thought in Daniel's little mind. She's shipping out in a few days. And she has a big interest in her career. And… there's a big wad of cash in the women's locker room amongst certain personnel at the SGC, to see who can wheedle a date out of Dr. Jackson first. See, nothing to worry about."

Vala perked up a little, still Daniel had asked someone other than her on a date.

"Vala, look, I've known him for over ten years, dead, alive and in between. He's Cancer the Crab, Myrtle the Turtle. When he's threatened, he ducks inside the shell. He's just throwin' up walls. I've seen him do it a million times. I can guarantee you he probably had to write her name down so he could remember it. As strange and horrifying as our lives have been, HIS has been a roller coaster of pain and loss. He's rightfully skittish, we just need to nudge him along. This is your idea. Sure you're up to it?"

Sitting up straighter, Vala felt much better. "Thank you, Jack. And yes, I am sure. How about you?"

"Oh I've been ready since Carter called me. I don't think many people see that devious she devil side of her."

Jack adjusted his sunglasses and took off in the little sports car again.

"You don't think Daniel considers you and Sam…"

"What?"

"Well, like a…"

"A What?"

He pulled the car over again. "Daniel does not think Colonel Carter and I are an item, if that's what you're getting at. Why would he think that, anyway?"

She gave him her best Vala look.

"Okay, never mind. He's dumb as a post when it comes to seeing things right in front of his blurry little eyes. For cryin' out loud. You've been standing practically on top of him and he still doesn't get it. Well, he does get, but he gets it all crossed wired from you… and I can see how that could happen. Anyway, he can't get the ancient history out of his head. He's the stuffy old professor type. Before we go one step further with this hair brained and delightfully wacky idea, let me ask you another question. Honesty is the only policy here."

"Shoot."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes."

"You understand this is a long drawn out process with Professor Jackson."

"Yes."

"Are you willing to take it all the way… wait that didn't come out right. Are you willing to stick it out… hold on… Can you see this through?"

"Yes."

"O'Neill?"

The voice came from Jack's dress uniform pocket. He dug the earpiece out. "Yeah, T?"

"The subject has arrived at the Main Dining Room."

"Which one?"

"The Main Dining Room."

"Where is it?"

"One Lake Circle."

"What's it called?"

"Main Dining Room."

"Oh, I get it, thanks T. Hey T?"

"Yes, O'Neill?"

"Is it Fancy?"

"Extremely… for you. It requires a jacket."

"Ok, I'm prepared for that." He replaced the headset into his pocket. "We need to get there. And, you owe me twenty bucks. I told you T could find him. He's got the Jaffa GSP built in."

~*~*~*~*~*~

When Jack O'Neill entered the restaurant, with Vala Mal Doran draped around him, Daniel literally spit the drink of water he'd just picked up across the table, barely missing Captain Reese.

"Are you alright?" The nurse in her asked.

"Yeah, fine, sorry." Daniel leaned out into the aisle for a better look at the couple standing far across the room.

Jack had his arm around Vala's waist, hand coming fully around, cupping her waist possessively. They were looking at each other, laughing.

"Daniel?" Sissy said for the third time.

"Oh, sorry. What were you saying?" Head still tilted in the aisle Daniel watched Jack and Vala move towards the bar.

Vala, in black high heels, satin figure fitting, yet modest black dress that touched the top of her knees, high neckline draped in pearls, hair softly curled on top of her head, seemed to be delightfully engrossed in Jack's apparently witty remark. He was much to close to Vala's face, as far as Daniel was concerned.

Jack lead Vala to a bar stool, taking the one beside her and turning in Daniel's direction. Vala sat, her back to Daniel. All of her back. Every naked inch. The dress had not a scrap of fabric from neck to waist. Daniel's mouth fell open and he stared.

Daniel's date was trying to get his attention. The food had arrived without Daniel knowing it. "Daniel, are you sure you are alright?"

He shook his head, took another look at the naked back, then turned with a forced smile to Sissy. "Fine, really, I'm sorry."

He tried to eat, to listen to the woman across from him who rattled something incomprehensible. Jack and Vala had moved to a table. Jack, yes Jack O'Neill, had pulled her chair out, seating her, naked back still to Daniel, and pulled his chair close beside her. His hand lightly moved up and down. Up and down that naked expanse. Daniel's eyes squinted in disapproval.

Eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Daniel mumbled, "It's just.. I thought he and.. I thought he was seeing…"

"What? Who?" Sissy started to turn to see what intrigued her adorable, but oh so clueless, date.

Daniel bolted, grabbing her hand to take her attention away from the General and his…friend. "It's nothing, someone I used to know who I thought might quite possibly be dating someone else I know, but who obviously is dating someone else I know. I guess it's dating, not manhandling, pawing or anything that… yep date. So, tell me .. ah a little something about yourself."

"I just got through telling you about myself."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did. Sorry. Well, okay."

**STOP! WARNING - DRIVING MISS CRAZY - S P O I L E R S BELOW!!!**

**Next on Driving Miss Crazy: Chapter Seven Champagne and Mayhem. **Jack and Daniel talk… well not really talk, they swap words. What can I say?


	7. 7 Champagne and Mayhem

**Chapter Seven: Champagne and Mayhem**

Looking at Daniel's full plate the waiter asked, "Sir, are you finished? Was something wrong with your meal?"

"I'm finished. No, nothing wrong. Not with the meal." He took a quick glance at the champagne being delivered to the other couple's table.

Daniel looked at Sissy, "Ready?"

"Very." His date looked unhappy, but he didn't notice.

No way out, other than walking right by Jack and Vala. When he reached the table, Daniel put his arm around Sissy, who flinched in surprise.

"Daniel!" Jack stood and greeted him with a handshake. He nodded to Sissy and sat again. "What 'cha doin'?"

Vala looked up, right into Daniel's eyes, and smiling, she took his arm and pulled him down for a sweet kiss on his cheek. Then she looked at Sissy and nodded with a knowing gleam, "Sissy."

Sissy nodded back with a genuine smile, "Vala," she said. Not only had Sissy won the 'first to date' pot, but she'd just won the 'I told you so' award for irrefutable proof that Dr. Jackson and Vala Mal Doran were an item.

"Champagne?" Jack offered.

"No thanks." Daniel stared at Jack's hand resting in the middle of Vala's back.

"Leavin'?"

"Yep."

"Beautiful night, great sky, top down, love that car."

"Yep," Daniel continued to stare at the non-back to Vala's dress.

"Okay, see ya." that hand was moving up and down.

"Jack," Daniel jerked a thumb towards the entrance. "Could I talk to you a minute?"

"Sure, ya betcha." Jack excused himself from the ladies. "Have a seat Captain, this might take a while." He winked at Vala.

When they stepped outside, Daniel caught someone moving out of the corner of his eye. He turned but the figure had disappeared around the corner. He shook his head, for a split second he thought it was Teal'c.

Jack put his hands deep in his pockets. "What?"

Daniel also put his hands deep in his pockets, "Jack, What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Jack!"

"Daniel?"

"With Vala!"

"With Vala? Taking her out to dinner, what are you doin'?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, Daniel, I don't know what you mean. I've never known what you mean. Ever."

"Jack!"

"What?"

"What are you doing with Vala, with your pawing all over her?"

"Pawing? I'm not pawing."

"Jack I thought… thought you… you liked…"

"Who?"

"You know. I thought you might be…"

"What, what are you talking about?"

"Vala's all wrong for you."

"What do you mean all wrong for me?"

"She's not right for you. You're not right for her. I don't think this is a good idea."

"Hey… I don't think that's any of your business."

"Oh yeah, it's my business."

"And why would that be Daniel."

"You know."

"No I don't know anything. I'm thoroughly confused."

"I'm talking about you and … and the other you know who."

"I don't know who you're talking about."

"I think you do."

"I think I don't."

"You do."

"I don't."

"You know who."

"Who what?"

"Jack, I don't want you dating Vala."

"And why would that be Daniel?"

"Because you're just not right for her!"

"Really, so who is she right for?"

Daniel shrugged his shoulders.

"You don't know?"

"No."

"Don't have a clue?"

"No."

"Okay, nice chat, I'm goin' back now. I have champagne to drink with a beautiful woman. You have a date with…" Jack closed his eyes a moment, shook his head and continued, "with the effervescent and … lovely Captain Reese."

Daniel glared at Jack's retreating back.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Sitting at Carter's breakfast bar eating Fruit Loops, Jack watched her tidy up and come to join him.

"So, how'd it go?" Sam's eyes were full of laughter.

"Like a Hitchcock movie. Thoroughly confusing, but suspenseful none the less."

"I want details."

Jack smiled, took an oversized spoonful of cereal, and grinned, milk dripping from the corner of his mouth and his eyebrows wiggling delightfully. "Well, I think Teal'c had the most fun, with the spacemouseketeer running a close second. Daniel had the least fun. As planned. All in all I think your mission was accomplished."

"How's Vala?"

"Giddy beyond redemption. If you had seen the look in his eye at the back of that dress you could have seen the ball and chain clamp around his dancing feet. He was a wreck. I don't think I've ever seen our archeologist more distraught. It was a joy to behold."

"You think he'll figure it out."

Jack hesitated a minute, wondering whether or not to tell Carter what else Daniel seemed to have figured out. "Without a shadow of a doubt. Be prepared. He's going to go all ascended maniac on us. Thankfully, I have a plane to catch," Jack checked his watch, "In less than an hour."

Sam sighed all dreamy. "I love romance."

He smiled, "yeah, I know."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Mitchell stood, hands on hips, catching his breath. He was puzzled. Jackson's gruff, aggressive playing was out of character. Teal'c slammed the basketball into the net and came as close as Mitchell had ever seen to glaring. Daniel snatched the ball and shouldered the Jaffa aside, but the shot bounced off the rim. Vala sat crossed leg in the corner, a Cheshire cat grin on her face.

Teal'c had spilled the whole story at breakfast this morning, when Mitchell had asked where the rest of his team was. They needed a mission and soon before the entire base was in danger of being overrun by SG-1 madness. After all this time, he still hadn't acclimated to the wacky world of SG-1 on down time.

They came up with the oddest things to occupy their time. They were much better suited to chaos off world. There they were normal thinking adults. Well trained in combat and exploration. Here? More like teenaged pranksters. Even the stoic Jaffe became more playful. It just wasn't right.

"I'm hittin' the showers." Mitchell left without another word.

Teal'c shoved Daniel aside. "I too, am finished DanielJackson." He all but stormed out leaving Daniel and Vala alone.

"What the hell where you thinking!?" Daniel turned to Vala, who stood slowly.

"When?"

"Damn it, Vala, are you nuts!?"

"Apparently." She tossed her pigtails around and started for the door.

"Don't walk out on me!"

She turned back, one brow raised, then her chin lifted and she walked out. He didn't see the wide tooth grin on her face.

Like a tempest, he went after her. He lost her somewhere in the maze of halls. Coming up on an unsuspecting SF Daniel barked out, "Where is she?"

"Sir?"

"Vala, which way did she go?"

The SF pointed towards the elevator.

Daniel took off, coming to the elevator as the door closed. He slammed his hand against the door, swiped his card and fumed.

She was almost to the car when he reached the surface. Quickening his pace Daniel got to the car just as she snapped her seatbelt in place. He jerked the door open, got in and was slammed back against the seat by her accelerated take off. He rushed to secure the seatbelt in place. "Slow down!"

"Shut up!" She fishtailed out of the parking lot and double clutched her way up the mountain.

"Slow it down Vala, before you kill us both."

She down shifted slowing the car before coming back to third gear and leveling out her speed.

They didn't say another word. He turned on the radio. She turned it off. He tried to say something but she sped up. He shut up and she slowed down. He glared, blue eyes squinting, jaw clenched. She pulled the bands from her pigtails setting her hair free to toss in the wind. He stared bemused out across the blurry passing mountainside. She let the happy smile broaden across her face.

**STOP! WARNING - DRIVING MISS CRAZY - S P O I L E R S BELOW!!!**

**Next on Driving Miss Crazy: Chapter Eight: Let's Make Babies **A drive through the mountains with Daniel and Vala.


	8. Chapter 8 Let's Make Babies

**Chapter Eight: Let's Make Babies**

Vala zoomed passed the overlook they had stopped at before and continued up the mountain, down the other side and up the next.

Daniel watched her now, hair whipping around her face. She was laughing, fighting the stinging pieces. He reached over and gathered a handful of her hair and held it back for the longest time.

He let go of her hair and sat back against the seat. She turned on the 'Dreamgirls' CD, shifted gears and laughed again. Feeling the wind drying out his eyes, and not caring, he relaxed. Happy. Pleased and content in the presence of Vala Mal Doran.

They rode the mountains in silence, whizzing past trees, taking snaking turns. They came upon a family of deer: buck, doe and fawn. Vala slowed, then once past, she took off again.

"You've mastered driving." Daniel smiled, happy for her.

"I finally figured it out; it's no different than an Al'Kesh!" Slowing down, Vala pulled a hair band from where she'd placed them around the gearshift and tried to capture her hair one handed. Daniel reached and took the band and managed to pull the riot of hair into a sloppy ponytail. She smiled, grateful for his assistance.

They laughed and moved on beyond the next mountain.

"He's not right for you." Daniel's words where soft, almost not heard against the wind.

"And who is?" She took a quick glance his way.

He shrugged. "You need to find somebody, have a real relationship. And not Jack! He's so wrong for you in so many ways." Daniel didn't like the thought of Jack's hand on her back. He turned away.

She turned up the music. Heard the first bars of 'I'm Telling You I'm Not Leaving,' and turned the knob as far as it would go. She pulled into another overlook, right up to the rail. He feared they would sail over the precipice a la Thelma and Louise.

Vala set the hand brake, turned the car off, and taking a hold on his hair she pulled him into a kiss.

Parked, top down, snaking river far below, they kissed. Teeth, tongues and lips. Passion and longing. Had he lost his mind? This was not good. Well, the kissing was wonderful, but kissing Vala? Like this?

Taking her shoulders, Daniel gently pushed her away. "This has got to stop."

"Why?" She sighed, resting her head against the seat, dreamy eyed and smiling, flashes of Jell-o kisses wiggling around in her head.

"Because we work together, because we're friends. And a thousand other reasons."

"Couldn't we be more than friends?"

He shook his head.

"Really Daniel, I so adore you."

Smiling he tucked a stray hair behind her ear. "It stops right here. Right now. No kissing. No flirting. And, certainly no 'more than friends.'" He looked out across the vista.

She sat up trying to repair her wind tossed - Daniel ruffled hair. "I'll be celibate the rest of my life if I can't have you. My young life ruined, never to be fulfilled."

He laughed, but still turned away, he did not see the spark of truth in her eyes.

She completely turned in the driver's seat, wedged her hip between the steering wheel and the seat, and faced him. Vala took a deep breath and let it out, "Let's make babies."

His head whipped around, "What!?" She'd said it before, but it shocked him because this time she seemed more sincere .

"You heard me. Make babies, lots of babies. They would be adorable, digging in the dirt with little spoons and shovels. The girls tugging on your pants leg, saying Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?"

"You're nuts!" He looked at her incredulous, knowing she was completely serious.

"No I'm not. I look absolutely adorable, pregnant. And I want to do it the real way, with the right person, have real babies. I think we should make babies, Daniel, really. It may be the only thing we could ever do well together. And we'd have to do it soon, maybe start tonight, because I don't have many baby making years left. Beautiful blue eyed babies. A whole herd of them. We'll take them on adventures through the Stargate. You can teach them all about history and language and I could teach them all about alien technology and fashion."

While her statement, _'With the right person,' _pierced his heart, Daniel laughed. "I can see it now, all twelve of them lined up, shortest to tallest, dressed to the nines, girls with dark pigtails, boys with floppy long hair and round glasses."

"The girls would be wearing cute little leather sets, even the baby would have a leather diaper." Vala's voice was filled with laughter.

"And the boys would be in BDU's their packs stuffed full of archeological gear." Daniel smiled, his eyes were bright with 'what if'.

"And the girls would carry the guns. Except, of course, for the baby. She'd have a tiny little hand device that Aunty Sam had made for her."

He laughed out loud, got out of the car, came around and opened her door. "I'll drive a while." He felt the need to be in control.

She got out, stood close up against him, "Can we Daniel, can we start tonight?"

Eyes locked, she could see the wheels turning in his mind. But he only stepped around her to sit in the driver's seat.

She settled in beside him, placed a hand on his leg, her chest tight with longing and the fear that he would never tear down that wall he'd built around his heart. He started the car and headed back down the mountain.

He removed her hand from his leg. "Vala," it was a mild scold.

"It's nearly eight o'clock. We don't have much time." Vala grinned, teeth flashing, her eyes expectant.

"We're so wrong for each other." He didn't sound convinced.

She shrugged. "It's not like we have all the time I the world. Didn't you say life's too short?"

He looked at her, eyebrows frowning. He experienced that strange déjà vu feeling. "I don't remember saying that."

Again, she shrugged.

"You're crazy, you know that?" He reached and took her hand in his, squeezing gently.

"Yes, I am. I'm crazy about you. And you can deny it all you want to, but you are crazy about me. We are right for each other, Daniel. So, pull over on that wide shoulder right down there and kiss me like you love me, because you know you do."

He did love her. He did pull over. And he did kiss her.

END


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